And now some good news......

The good news this week is two-fold.

First, medical experts now tell us that the advice to drink gallons of water every day is nonsense, and that too  much water can seriously damage your health. In fact, you don’t need to drink any fresh water at all because you get all you need from your cuppa and your food which is mostly water anyway. You certainly don’t need bottled water, which is less pure than tap-water, costs more than beer, and is environmentally unfriendly – all those damned plastic bottles littering the countryside.

And another thing.

What is it with the younger generation that they are unable to go anywhere, even on a bus, without clasping a bottle of Evian or some such rip-off?

I have always followed the dictum of WC Fields - never drink water; fish do mucky things in it. I always make sure that mine is purified by at least an equal measure of the Famous Grouse.

Second, the Healthnazis in government now admit that the recommendation on maximum daily alcohol consumption units is entirely fictional. The figures were plucked out of the air. Like most of their ‘statistics’, I guess.

This means that it is perfectly OK for you to have more than a sniff of the barmaid’s apron twice a week. More constructive was a recent study in Spain into why the Spanish have an unusually low incidence of cholesterol problems and circulatory diseases. It concluded that the reason was that they also have one of the highest rates of red wine consumption in the world. There was, however, a warning not to overdo it, and it gave the daily maximum units that you could safely drink. I worked out that it came to six bottles.

That’s more like it.

Further good news was that the pontificating, tax-dodging saviour of Africa, the egregious Bono, was monstered at Glastonbury for his hypocrisy. It reminds me of the Bono story that I hope is true.

He was performing in Glasgow. Then he suddenly stopped playing and started clapping slowly.  He told the audience ‘Each time I clap, a child in Africa dies’. And a raucous Glaswegian voice yelled back ‘Well, stop f*****g clapping, then’.