The ‘Numpty’ Oscars 2010. (trans: A reckless, absent minded or unwise person}

As this is Awards time, I thought I would select a few winners for the Numpty Oscars.

Moron of the Year.

The title must surely go to your Home Security chief, closely followed by the UK equivalent. Scarcely a day passes without hearing of more idiocy in airport security. (Mind you, a close contestant must be the woman who dialled 999 to report that somebody had stolen her snowman).

We have the lady who was forced to remove her breast prosthesis, inserted following cancer mastectomy. We have the bladder cancer-sufferer who urine bag was burst by a rough-handling goon. We have the sexy lady who appeared in her undies only, but still got pulled over for checking (seeing her photo. I guess the guys just couldn’t resist the temptation). We have the lady who was made to strip to the waist, so that the boys could play the video over and over during their rest break. We have the 3-year old who was body-searched.

Now there is a ruckus between the US and European authorities because the Yanks are asking for details of passengers’ bank accounts to be submitted with the passenger lists. Why on earth would they want this? How would they collect the information? Does this mean that we will have to give the airline a copy of our bank statements? Is the real intention to lessen the security burden by ensuring that nobody travels to the US unless it is unavoidable?

I think we should be told!

I have been delving into how the Israelis, the most endangered country on earth by a wide margin, copes with airport security. First, they obviously only put the full monty on those who might be up to no good. If you are a grey haired old lady with a walking stick, your baggage gets x-rayed, you go through the scanner, and that’s it. They have no compunction about racial stereotyping.

So the answer to airport security is simple; outsource it the Israelis.

Best pantomime.

No contest here. The easy winner is the absurd coalition between Call-me Dave and Cleggover. Cutting the defence budget and increasing the overseas aid budget by 37% is beyond parody. I also suspect a con. I predict that the ‘increase’ will largely consist of transfers from other budgets; the substantial cost of running the BBC World Service radio from the Foreign Office; the British Council budget; the £50 million UN emergency fund just announced, to name just a few.

Our political masters couldn’t lay straight in bed. As ever the LibDems operate on the basis of ‘If you don’t like my principles, I have others.

Non-event of the year

The clear winner is Ed Milliband as Leader of the Opposition. Already the vultures are circling, including his brother(see picture) who, after a protracted sulk, is now back in the fray rubbishing Ed. I tell you, this guy is so grey you have difficulty in seeing him on a foggy day.

Best news of the year.

More than three cheers that England failed to host the soccer World Cup. But the thought of royalty and top politicians having to grovel before the gang of pimps, crooks and comic singers who make up the FIFA hierarchy makes one reach for the sick-bag. Unfortunately, there is no way of getting out of the Roman circus of the Olympic Games. The effect on London will be simply awful. The IOC has already booked 40,000 of the best hotel rooms in London – not for competitors but for themselves and their hangers-on. The will be ‘Zil’ lanes on the highways which may only be used by the humungous fleet of IOC limos, stretching as far as Weymouth where the yachting is taking place. No advertising of goods competing against sponsors will be allowed, so if you have a shop displaying a Pepsi advert, expect a visit from the Wooden Tops. The London authority will have to commandeer all advertising hoardings for the duration. And to crown it all, the first language will be French!

More to come............