‘And
I forgot to thank her…!’
There
is one thing our politicians know something about. Boozing.
I
have forgotten how many bars there are in the House of Commons but it’s a lot.
It is probably still the case that it is the only place where one can drink
legally for 24 hours a day. It has produced some notorious topers, like the late
George Brown, and no doubt still does.
Now
the egregious Alex Salmond, Leader of the Caledonian Porridge Gobblers, is
proposing a minimum price for alcohol, in a hopeless attempt to reduce one of
Scotland’s traditions. What Scottish pastime will he attack next? Deep-fried
Mars bars? Head-butting?
Just
to show that he is not to be outdone in the ‘How to lose votes’ stakes,
Cameroon is said to be toying with the same idea.
As
it happens, the UK has the priciest beer of
the major beer-drinking nations, according to an Economist survey that
has calculated how many minutes a person must work to earn the price of the
amber nectar. In Britain it is about 12 minutes; in China only 10. The prize
goes to the US with less than 5.
And
the actual price is nearly the highest. Australia is just in the lead with a
price of US$3.70 against the UK’s US$3.65. Nigeria is just 54 cents, which must
be the cheapest Guinness on the planet.
So
do these politicos really think we will drink less if it’s made more pricey?
For
centuries the British have had a reputation for hard drinking and lascivious
women. Shakespeare’s characters always seem to be quaffing something or other.
Cruikshank, Gilroy and other cartoonists wonderfully illustrated the incredible
amount of boozing that went on in London in Regency times. The amount put away by the Pickwick Club
would have felled a hartebeest.
Alcohol
features heavily in our cultural and literary traditions.
Here
is AE Housman:
‘Malt
does more than Milton can
To
justify God’s ways to man’.
And
GK Chesterton:
‘St George
he was for England,
And
before he killed the dragon,
He
drank a pint of English ale
Out of
an English flagon’.
Keats:
‘O for a draught of vintage
That
hath been cooled a long age
In the
deep delved earth!'
Some
Tennyson:
‘How goes the time?
‘Tis 5
o’clock.
Go
fetch a pint of port!’
Coleridge:
‘And we
should cry ‘Beware, beware
His flashing
eyes, his floating hair.
Weave a
circle around him thrice
And
close your eyes with holy dread.
For he
on honey dew has fed
And drunk
the milk of paradise’
And
finally, Eden Philpotts:
‘Beer
drinking don’t do half the harm of lovemaking!’
The
Victorians, in their prissy way, tried to control it (only for the lower
classes, you will understand).
Lloyd
George introduced licensing laws during WW1 on the reasonable grounds that
turning-up trollied for work in an explosives factory might be a tad –well - explosive. The new laws were for
‘hostilities-only’. We had to wait for Maggie to loosen them.
So
what is the prospect of the British giving up the fine old tradition of getting
ratarsed now and again?
None.
Booze is not very price-sensitive. Raise the price and people will simply spend
less on non-necessities.
So
Dave and Wee Jock may try to cut us back in these stressful times, like WC
Fields – ‘Before breakfast I never drink anything stronger than gin!’
But
there was a music-hall song that went
‘God
damn their eyes
If they
ever tries
To keep
a poor man from his beer!’