Yewtree: money for old grope!

Are there any 75 year-old selebs left who have not yet been arrested? The Old Bill got a result with Stuart Hall but it is scraping the barrel now; it has been investigating a complaint that will not lead to an arrest on account of the old boy being somewhat dead.

 

This is not as absurd as it seems; after all Savile was dead the last time I looked, and already claims against his estate are being readied.

 

Step forward the ‘no win, no fee’ lawyers and the cheque-book waving Red Tops (current rate between £10,000 and £20,000  depending of the fame of the seleb, according to Carol Sarler in The Times).

 

Very conveniently, she sets out the tariff and tells the girls how to get rich. The Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority has a tariff. For non-penetrative sex under 18, it’s £3,300, a bit steep for a grope. A second contact (the other boob?) will net £4,400. Penetrative sex is £13,500 and accompanying mental anguish raises this to £27,000. It’s enough to make a high-maintenance hooker weep. There is no tariff for de-flowering, possibly because of lack of precedent.

 

At this distance in time, it would be almost impossible to get a criminal conviction due to lack of any forensic evidence or corroboration, and the effluxion of time But the really big money will come from civil actions.

 

None of these cases will ever reach court. It’s a win-win situation for the plaintiff. She will not have to produce a smidgen of evidence to get an out-of-court settlement that could run to thousands of £’s. The Savile estate and the BBC have already set aside large sums as contingency. There are about 1,400 complaints in the Savile case (but none of unwonted pregnancy as far as we know), so we must be looking at compensation running to millions – from  us, the licence payers, of course.

 

Morecambe and Wise are also dead, otherwise they might be facing complaints from sensitive souls of mental trauma for appearing in bed together before 12 million people.

 

Quote of the week: ‘Unlike that lot in Westminster who have never done a decent days work in their lives, I worked damn hard in the City for 20 years. At least I did until lunchtime!’ – Nigel Farage.