The pleasures of air-travel.......

I guess that the badderation we get just trying to board the plane has a negative impact on tourism. We know quite a few people who no longer take foreign holidays because of the hassle at airports.

Most of the ‘security’ is a very unfunny pantomime.

At our regional airport (no international flights) the passengers mainly consist of ‘suits’, kids travelling to and from our public school, and oldies, of which we have a larger than usual number. Hardly terrorist material. And yet it’s belts off, shoes off – the full Monty and more stringent than either Gatwick or Heathrow. To the best of my knowledge not a single terrorist has been detained in what must have been hundreds of millions of searches world-wide since 9/11. (Of course, the jobsworths will say that this proves the system is an effective deterrent).

Then there’s the nonsense of having to take the lap-top out of its bag. Now, a lap-top is quite a good place for a bomb, as there is space in the spare battery compartment and a ready source of power. But if I was a suicide bomber I would put the lap-top in my hold-baggage.

The system doesn’t work either. Time and again we hear of breaches by investigative reporters, the latest being a guy who travelled the length of the US wearing a .38 automatic. He told security that he was a war-vet with a load of shrapnel in his insides and asked not to be patted down because he was wearing an incontinence bag. That was enough to get him through.

I am not suggesting less security. What we need is more common sense.  Almost every day we hear of cruel idiocies, like the old lady who was required to remove her breast prosthesis and the man whose colostomy bag was burst by an over-heavy pat down. Rick Perry tried to legislate against feeling genitals and breasts but the security lobby threatened to boycott Texas. At Southampton Airport recently, an elderly lady had a gift-wrapped box of acrylic paints in her hand-baggage, a present for her grandson. Security made her cut off the wrapping. The box was shrink-wrapped and clearly stated the contents ‘24 tubes of acrylic paint’. Security made her break open the box and proceeded to carefully examine each tube. They were then placed in a sealed plastic bag. Crazy!

My answer is to out-source it to the Israelis; El Al is the most threatened of all airlines, but a friend who flies with them regularly says security is a breeze because they have no hang-ups about racial profiling, they have very efficient scanning mechanisms, and they use their commonsense.

Then there’s the airports themselves. Their managements seem to regard passengers as getting in the way of the smooth running of the business.

Gatwick is a nightmare for arthritics like me, as you have to stagger up a steep walk-way from the ground floor to departures on the first floor. The signage is appalling; for example, the business class lounges are scattered over three floors but there is nothing to tell you which lounge is where. And I had to try all three before getting the right one. It is all being ‘improved’, but the woman in charge of this has been in her job for 27 years, so I am not holding my breath.

Luton has no ‘drop-off’ at departures, so you have to go to a ‘drop-off’ car park at least 200 yards away where for £1 you are allowed 10 minutes on pain of a penalty of £80!

Antigua is a nightmare of inadequacy, built in the ‘60s and now handling several jumbos at once so there is nowhere to sit. Terminal 3 at Heathrow is falling down.

And check-in? Don’t get me started!

At business class check-in at T3, the cold-eyed Eastern European clerk rudely asked if I had a visa. Apart from the fact that you don’t need a visa to enter my destination, she had my passport in her hand which was open at the visa page showing a 60 days entry permit.  She failed to provide a wheelchair even though my booking was marked ‘special assistance’, and didn’t bother either to give us an invitation to the lounge or even tell us where to find it.

We were bumped off our connecting flight even though we had our boarding cards and seat reservations and were at the boarding gate, and put on the next flight two weary hours later. On arrival we discovered that our luggage has travelled on the first flight contrary to all security rules, and had been searched in our absence. (This is worrying because there is a racket there of planting contraband and then ‘fining’ you anything up to £2000 to avoid arrest).

To be fair, I remonstrated with the BA check-in at Kingston, on my return from Jamaica, that I had reserved seat  24 A not 1A and it was only when he gave  me a big Jamaican smile that I realised he had upgraded me!