'You're dead; it was in the news!'

Both Haymakers were working together in Kingston, Jamaica, on a project that was being carried out by a firm of German consultants, the MD of which was Dr Dewdrop (for want of a better name). He told us his favourite traveller’s tale.

His speciality was trade missions to ‘developing’ countries, and on one assignment he was covering the Caribbean with a party of about 20 fellow Germans.

They were due to depart from Cuba to Jamaica on a commuter flight, but when they arrived at check-in they were told that they had all been  bumped to the next flight some hours later because their flight was over-booked. Dr D remonstrated that his could not possibly be correct because they had booked every seat months ago.

The authorities were adamant. They were going on the later flight, no arguments.

They eventually arrived at their hotel in Kingston in the early hours of the morning. Dr D followed his usual practice of phoning his wife to report his safe, if late, arrival. It would now be about 9 a.m. in Germany.

When his wife answered the phone, she said ‘Who is calling?’ ‘It’s me, you silly old hausfrau’ he replied (or words to that effect).

‘But this is not possible’ she replied ‘You are dead!’ (Dr D did not disclose whether there was a note of disappointment in her voice), ‘It was in the news’.

The plane had crashed into the Caribbean shortly before landing at Kingston, with no survivors.

It later transpired that the plane had been carrying a bomb. The Germans must have been bumped to make way for a VIP. But somebody wanted him out of the way.

When Dr D met up with the rest of the party, his first action was to advise them all to phone home immediately.

This was not the end of their drama.

They were put on a BA flight out of Kinston heading for London. Dr D had a window seat overlooking the wing. About a half-hour into the flight, he looked out of the window just in time to see an engine explode!

They made an emergency landing at an airport that was not equipped for ground-handling passengers on a 747, so they had to stay on board for the considerable time it took to replace the engine.

As a footnote to this, and in(almost) similar vein, he told me that when he was Mayor of his city, he had to deal with the Case of the the Deceased Pensioner.

An old lady arrived to collect her pension at the Rathaus. It was refused. When she asked for a reason she was told that it was because she was dead. Her corporeal presence made no impression upon the official. He had her death certificate in front of him so, according to the regulations, she had definitely snuffed it.

Dr D solved the impasse when he discovered that another woman of the same name and age was the real ex-pensioner. But rules is rules!