Whatever happened to laughter?

Donkey’s years ago – at least 55 - there was a lovely Hollywood film called ‘The Golden Age of Comedy’, which was a compilation of the wonderful  comedies produced during the silent era and in the 30s – Laurel & Hardy and the other greats. The closing line in the film was ‘Whatever happened to laughter; there used to be so much of it about?’

‘Stone me’, as Tony Hancock was wont to say; there is now so much doom and gloom, but who is making  us laugh by way of compensation?

The House of Commons was once a flourishing source of wit, the stealthy insult (‘Mr Attlee’s car drew up at the House and nobody got out!’), the polished put-down, the instant repartee. Not any more, it seems. The last good shaft I can remember was when Gordon Brown was making a speech that was so full of management-speak it could only have been written by his understrapper, Ed Balls.

‘That’s not Brown’ called out Heseltine, ‘It’s Balls!

Of course, the ineffable Nicholas Soames would always put John Prescott off his stroke whenever he rose to speak by booming ‘Gin and tonic please, steward!’. But that was more public schoolboy banter than wit.

One golden rule of politics is never to get on the wrong side of your civil servants if you are a Minister. One such had made himself very unpopular but Nemesis arrived when he was making a very elegant speech (composed by his staff of course). When he got to saying ‘And now, Mr Speaker, I come to my proposed solution', there was written on his brief ‘And now you are on your own, you bastard!’

The law courts were always a rich vein for really professional put-downs. One of the greatest of all time was FE Smith (Lord Birkenhead in later career). Here’s a few samples

Judge: ‘I have listened to you for an hour and I am no wiser’.

Smith: ‘No, my Lord, just better informed!’

Judge: ‘Have you heard the saying by Bacon, the great Bacon, that youth and discretion are ill-wed companions?’

Smith: ‘Indeed, my Lord. And has your Lordship heard the saying by Bacon, the great Bacon, that a much talking judge is like an ill-tuned cymbal?’

Judge: ‘You are exceedingly offensive, young man’.

Smith: ‘Indeed, my Lord, we both are. The difference is that I mean it and you can’t help it!’

Another corker from Smith was:

Judge: ‘You must not show contempt for this court, Mr Smith’.

Smith: ‘I was not showing contempt, my Lord, I was trying to conceal it!’, although I have also heard this attributed to Mae West during her obscenity trial. (One of hers which I have seen attributed to others is ‘His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork!’)

Lord Justice Darling was another lawyer with a wicked tongue, although I can’t find any quotes from him. In one case he sentenced an old lag to a very long period of penal servitude. The old villain complained ‘But, my Lord, I shall never live long enough to serve it’. ‘Never mind’ said Darling. ‘Just do as much as you can!’

One from Lord Elwyn-Jones at a dinner I attended years ago. Mr Justice Stable was about to open a criminal trial when one of the jurors asked to be excused. When the Judge asked why, the juror said, ‘Because my wife is about to conceive this morning’. The Judge replied ‘I think you mean she is going to be confined, but whether you are wrong or I am wrong, it would seem to be an occasion on which you should be personally present!’ That must have been in the 1960s when I heard that, but total recall is a sign of senility

All I can say is ‘Thank goodness for cricket’, not necessarily for the game but for the instant ‘sledging’ humour that accompanies it. Here’s one from the late, great Fred Truman. The batsman hit Fred for an easy catch but the fielder let it go between his legs. ‘Sorry, Fred’ he said, ‘I should have kept my legs closed. ‘Aye’ said Fred ‘ So should thy mother!’

Another of Fred’s put-downs was told to me by Dickie Bird, the great umpire. Fred sends down a snorter that destroyed the stumps. ‘Well bowled, Fred’ said the posh Southerner batting. ‘Aye’ said Fred, ‘T were wasted on thee!’

The ultimate rejoinder was probably from Ian Botham. Warne (his great drinking mate) was bowling when Botham came to the crease. ‘Hello, Beefy’ he said, How’s your missus and my kids? ‘The missus is fine’, replied Botham, ‘But the kids are retarded!’ For probably the only time in his career the gobby Warnie was struck dumb and never said another word.

And finally, about 25 years ago I worked quite closely with Sir John Banham when he was boss of the Audit Commission. ‘Auditors’ he told me, ‘found accountancy too exciting. They stalk the field after the battle, spearing the wounded!’. I bet that one has been told at every auditors annual bash since.